Sunday, March 20, 2011

Coping With Change

For everyone whose lives have taken a sudden turn in the recent past (and isn't that most of us?) here, below, are a few points about change, and coping with it - that you might find of some interest.

Also; for those who are finding their way to my blog for the first time: there is a new section with information about Depression and Anxiety (and a simple relation method to try) on the link above. More information about me and my counselling services are in the right hand column and in the pages above.

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Coping With Change

1) Expect a reaction
People often say: ‘I don’t know why it’s affected me so much’, and criticise themselves for crying, laughing, or feeling moody. All these, and every other emotion, are normal in the face of change – any change.


2) Let yourself grieve
Change, no matter how good it is, means loss. When something in your life changes you lose the old way of being or the old set of circumstances. And loss means grief and nostalgia.


3) Go with the flow
Resist and be rigid in the face of change and it will be a lot more painful. The secret is to be flexible and you can ride it out more easily. Think of yourself like a boat in a storm. Turn a

4) Hang onto the familiar
If the change is big then keep up many familiar things as you can – and remind yourself of how much in your life isn’t changing. Stick to your usual routines, see people you normally see, and reassure yourself that not everything has to change just because some things have.

5) Get support
Don’t try to cope alone or keep your feelings to yourself. Talk about it, have a hug, a laugh, a cup of tea and a bit of reassurance. Being brave doesn’t always mean managing alone, it may mean finding the courage to ask for help.


6) Divide it up
When possible divide bigger changes into smaller steps. For instance, a house move, a wedding or a divorce involves several stages. When you feel overwhelmed by the enormity of the change, concentrate on the step you’ve reached, rather than the bigger picture.


7) Find the good in it
Some changes feel awful – death, illness, financial loss and many others can feel like the end of the world. Sometimes you have to look very hard to find the blessing in such changes, but there always is one. It’s through change that we grow wiser and stronger and learn to make better decisions.


8) Know that it will end
All change comes to an end when the new circumstances are in place and become familiar to you.
Every change, no matter how big, will end and you’ll return to a feeling of normality. Keep this in mind when you feel as though you’re in the middle of a bumpy ride.

Friday, February 25, 2011

It may be "new", but is it better?

A few thoughts on the need for change for its own sake...which could be applied to counselling and supervision, and which seem appropriate on the "day that's in it", as I write (Polling Day in Ireland).

I'm in a fairly remote part of Mid West Ireland. We have had no "proper" (as in well-known provider) broadband facility, until earlier this month - and I have been using a locally owned wireless broadband service. I've had it for 3 years, and it's only really been working well for the last 3 months, after they added an American-made "bullet" to the dish, which amplifies the signal I receive from a mast about 10 miles away.

Then, last week, I got a flier in the letter box saying that "The National Broadband Scheme" had arrived in my area (it was vaunted all over the press about 4 years ago). It's a service that uses a plug-in modem from 3G and the mast is less than 3 miles from my house, high on a hill. The monthly charge is half the cost of my current service. I rang the call centre (it's in India) and was told that the connection would be "excellent", given my proximity to the mast. What did I have to lose? I signed-up over the phone and the modem arrived on Tuesday.

I've just got back from the post office, having returned the modem and cancelled my direct debit for the 3G service - and I'm glad I didn't cancel my existing ISP. The "excellent" coverage is extremely slow, jerky and nowhere near as good as the existing one (which can still be pretty poor on a bad day).

So much for the much-vaunted National Broadband Scheme, and my high expectations of it. Just because something is new and "hyped-up" doesn't mean it's going to be better than what you have already. Similarly, if something is familiar and the shine has worn off it a bit, it doesn't mean it's not worth having.

Perhaps counselling clients feel that way about you, especially if they've been attending for several months. They could be swayed with views about the "new kid on the block", who worked wonders for Auntie Joan. You might be thinking that about your supervision, too, and be filled with envy about your colleague who claims to have struck gold by finding the world's best supervisor.

If something isn't working, you may need to see if it can be fixed before you throw it out and look for the reasons why it's not working anymore - and this may be particularly valid if it was working and has now stopped.

Perhaps the least useful thing to do is immediately find a replacement, just because it sounds better. Because, you might end up gong to the metaphorical post office and sending it back within a week!

Thursday, February 17, 2011

Integrity over Solvency?

Or..."Should you put ethics before economics?"

I did something the other day that I may live to regret. But if I do live to regret it, it will only be because I've run out of milk and I can't afford to buy another carton, or the electricity might be cut off because I didn't pay the bill. And, even then I'll only be broke and hungry.

What I actually did doesn't really need to be repeated here right now - but the consequences are that I will have to forgo a significant amount of income, until the income stream that I lost (or gave up - depending on your point of view) is replaced.

What I felt I did, generally, was stand up for a principle. The principle (or at least my principle) is that counselling should be carried by people who are committed to it, who have ethical and moral values that they live up to and who have the best interests of their clients at heart. Now, we can all say that, can't we? In fact, if there is anyone who reads this who doesn't say that, then they are already on the wrong website - but are at least being honest with themselves.

I gave up a "nice little earner" - as a UK TV show used to say - because I felt that a small minority of the people I was dealing with were not being honest with themselves about their personal commitment to counselling. Those people put their bank balances and their personal lives before their client. This resulted, directly and indirectly, in extremely distressed and vulnerable clients being neglected, overlooked and not managed appropriately.

When the time came to "blow the whistle" I found myself on the end of a firmly closed rank, and very much the "person in the wrong" (it's a long story - and no doubt, one with several sides to it).

When I think about "did I do the right thing", I don't think about my bank balance, or my personal life. I think "who did I let down" by not staying in a situation that was (in view) toxic and which seems to have no hope of immediate recovery. That genuinely is a source of regret and there are some good people out there that I won't be working with any longer.

But, as self-righteous as it sounds, I feel that there are some situations that are so wrong, that to even try and defend onself against them is wrong in itself.

Grouch Marx said..."I wouldn't join any club that would have me as a member".

That's fair enough and, sometimes, for the sake of doing the right thing, I feel that I have to leave one. I hope those I left behind feel that is fair enough, too.